oh, hello dear

as i was sitting here, thinking that i wanted to blog, i kind of hit a writer’s block.  i’d like to think that i’m pretty upbeat, borderline perky on this blog.  with the exception of blogging about my mother’s death and the subsequent consequences, i think i’m pretty positive on here.  but over the past few days, i can’t help but have some issues at the forefront of my mind that aren’t so positive.  i’m not talking doom and gloom, but decisions and worries that i just can’t ignore.

a lot of changes are going to happen in the next year…i’m graduating in december, which means finding a full time job, paying back loans and paying for big girl things like health insurance.  my sister is graduating from high school in may, and it is so exciting to see her plan for her future.  but this weekend we started talking about what is going to happen when my dad when she leaves.  it worries me to think about him being alone in that big house.  i think eventually he will move to a smaller place, a place that is hopefully closer to lauren and i (i’m hoping she comes to school in austin, and be close to me).  it just breaks my heart though, thinking about him being alone.  i know that eventually he will meet someone, a companion, but i just can’t think that way right now.

travis and i are kind of at a cross road right now.  he’s living in austin, i’m living in san marcos, and going back and forth each weekend is getting old.  he’s working here and there, but not enough to make ends meet.  he’s been applying everywhere, but i think the problem is that he isn’t even sure what he really wants to do.  right now he’s looking for something to pay the bills, then figure out what he really wants to do as a career.  come december, we’ll have been dating for five and a half years, and i’m ready for the next step.  i’m ready to find a place to live together, and i’m ready to say i want to marry him.  but those things just seem like they’re fading with every passing week of bills, stress, no work, etc.  we’re both feel the same way about our relationship, but don’t want to move forward until we’re more stable.  okay, i lied, he doesn’t want to move forward until we’re stable.  i want nothing more than to live in a crappy apartment with him in austin while we figure out our careers.

i need to figure out what i really want to do in life.  come december, i’ll have a master’s degree.  but sometimes i don’t even know what that means. maybe i’m just burnt out, and when i’m finished with school i’ll be refreshed and ready to start my career.  i know it will all work out and i’m going to find something that i really love to do.

i know everything will resolve itself.  it’s just hard knowing that things are going to change, and i just have to wait and see how things turn out down the road.  i’m not the most patient person, believe it or not.  i just need to channel my energy into something positive for the time being, and focus on being the best person i can be.  that way i will know i gave everything my all.